


Holding on to 2009

by auroraphilealis (xrosepetalsx)



Series: 2009x2015 Phan [5]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: 2009!Phil, 2009x2015, 2009x2015!phan, 2015!Dan, M/M, Self-Hatred, non self-acceptance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-08
Updated: 2016-01-08
Packaged: 2018-05-12 13:40:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5668045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xrosepetalsx/pseuds/auroraphilealis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Relieved that his and Dan’s relationship has stood the test of time, Phil has a fairly good idea why he’s been sent to meet future Dan, but he isn’t entirely sure how it’s meant to help if Dan refuses to tell him about their future, and how Phil is meant to teach his Dan to accept himself. Part of 2009x2015 Phan Series</p>
            </blockquote>





	Holding on to 2009

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer** : In no way do I pretend that this is real or cast aspersions on Dan or Phil.
> 
> After eight months of waiting, eight months of re-writes and re-deliberation, Part 5 is finally here. Are you ready to move on from 2009x2015 smut, and finally find out why it’s all happened? Well, get ready.
> 
> For those interested, I do have two-three more parts planned. Here’s to getting them out faster this time. As always, thanks to [mostlikelyprocrastinating](http://mostlikelyprocrastinating.tumblr.com/) for beta’ing, to all of the people who’ve sent me asks wondering when this will come back, and the many wonderful comments from ao3 guests and users hoping I would continue. You’re the reason this got done. (also shout-out to [howelllesters](http://howelllesters.tumblr.com/) for re-assuring me this wasn’t a crap update, and for being one of those voices in the back of my head reassuring me that they still wanted an update, smut or not.)

“You know, it’s really unfair that you grow up to be so hot,” Phil says conversationally, fingers quick on the WiiU pad as he launches a blue shell at Dan, whose currently in first place.  They’re playing a game of Mario Kart, and it’s only been one day since they had sex on the patch of carpet directly at their feet. Phil shivers just remembering it.

“You grow up to be just as hot,” Dan responds, and then shouts “Fuck!” as the shell hits just before he can cross the finish line, Phil zooming past him at the last minute to take first place. Phil grins, turning to laugh in Dan’s face.

“You’re supposed to be shit at this game, what the hell,” Dan complains, tossing his controller to the ground while Phil laughs.

“Admit it, I’m just too much of a distraction for you,” he teases, scooting closer to Dan as the now slightly older male scoots away. “Whether I’m hotter in the future or not.”

“Not exactly. More like I’m distracted because I’m wondering when my Phil’s coming back,” Dan shoots back.

Phil pouts, but if he’s being honest, he completely understands. He misses his own Dan like crazy. Of course, this Dan is great, and it’s been amazing getting to see what his boyfriend becomes, but there’s nothing like being at home, tucked up in his own flat, with Dan at his side, so tiny and insecure that Phil feels the constant need to protect him.

There’s nothing to protect with this Dan. He tries to ignore the part of him that’s secretly glad for that.

“What, am I not good enough for you?” he asks, rather than agreeing with him.

“Literally shut up, Phil,” Dan responds, and he’s laughing as he turns to Phil.

“Make me,” he teases, shuffling over so he’s directly inside of Dan’s personal space, face hovering inches in front of Dan’s. Dan pushes him away with another laugh.

“Concentrate, Philip. You still have one more race to kick my ass in, or you owe me a milkshake,” he says with a roll of his eyes, not so subtly reminding Phil of what’s at stake.

Phil doesn’t even know how long they’ve been stuck together, but Dan has refused to kiss Phil again, let alone fuck him, or let Phil fuck _him_ again, since last night. It probably isn’t so bad for Dan, who lives with his Phil, but Phil rarely gets to see his own Dan, and he never wastes a moment with him. Whether this Dan is technically his or not doesn’t change the fact that Phil still craves his attention.

And let’s face it, 2015 Dan is hot, and he’s even hotter in bed, as Phil found out first hand last night. Again, he shivers at the memory of it. He can feel his cock hardening in his pants.

He shakes his head. Right, Phil, focus.

They’ve got a bet going right now. Despite everything that had happened, Phil had been able to see the guilt clear as day on Dan’s face after they’d gotten cleaned up last night. He’d known it was going to be difficult to get Dan to touch him again just from that look, but he hadn’t expected it to be so bad. Before they’d had sex, teasing touches and kissing had been okay. Afterwards…not so much.

Dan had retreated to bed maybe fifteen minutes after they’d gotten dressed, and Phil had practically been able to _feel_ him ruminating over what he’d done in the bedroom next door. (Why did they have two bedrooms again? Right, Dan had said something about keeping up appearances, and hadn’t that been a terrifying red flag of danger for all of nine seconds before Dan had explained that they mostly used his bedroom.) All too familiar with the habits of a ruminating Dan, Phil had instantly become concerned. Seemed he was never going to kick the habit of needing to piece Dan back together again, and it didn’t seem to matter how old he got, Dan would always need Phil.

But Dan had kept his distance for the majority of the next morning, as well. They’d turned on the TV just to hear the same news cast from last night playing over again, making it clear to both of them that they were stuck in some kind of groundhog day situation rather than the void they’d originally assumed they were in, and after, Dan had put on Buffy again.

No offense to his all-time favorite TV show ever, but Phil really hadn’t wanted to watch another re-run just then.

If he wasn’t able to have his own boyfriend with him, then he wanted to at least enjoy his time with _this_ Dan, and that couldn’t really happen if Dan wouldn’t even let him touch him, let alone fix whatever his problem was. Phil still doesn’t completely understand what that even is. Was it last night? Because Phil is almost certain his own Dan had gotten older Dan’s Phil to crack nearly as quickly as Phil had cracked this Dan, and yet here they were, Dan acting like he’d cheated on his boyfriend.

Maybe he needs to remind Dan that Phil _is_ his boyfriend.

It had only gotten worse, though. By noon, Dan hadn’t so much as spoken to Phil, so Phil had cornered him in the kitchen just like last night, and offered him a deal: best two out of three in the new Mario Kart. If Phil won, he wanted one kiss for as long as he wanted it. Dan had agreed with his own demand; he wanted Phil to make him a milkshake.

How bizarre, not to mention anti-climactic. Phil doesn’t count it as a complete failure, however, as he managed to get Dan come back to his usual self – or new self to Phil, because he still isn’t used to this new confident Dan.

“Oh, don’t you worry Daniel. I’m incredibly focused. I want that kiss,” Phil shoots back, waggling his eyebrows suggestively as he grabs the game controller again and quickly un-pauses before Dan is ready.

“You little shit!” Dan complains, but he’s grinning, and Phil loves it. He loves that Dan is more confident in himself now, that he doesn’t retreat into this shell every time he gets embarrassed or nervous. That he’s not too self-conscious to push Phil away when he gets too flirty, and that he’s perfectly willing to let Phil know exactly what he’s thinking.

Phil loves the fact that Dan is okay now. That Dan is okay with _them_ now.

Somehow, Dan ends up in last place during the first two laps, but the game gives him a bullet, and Phil watches as he barrels back up to 5th just before the final lap begins.

“Not so cocky now, are you Phil?” Dan teases as he launches a red shell, narrowly missing hitting Phil’s kart.

“Definitely not as cocky as you,” Phil returns, slamming on his breaks just as an excuse to force Dan to ram into him. They both go flying off the edge. “After all, you’re still a cockslut for me, aren’t you, Danny?” Phil asks as they’re both rescued and returned to the map, his eyes intent on the screen.

Dan flushes bright pink. There’s no denying what Phil’s said is true; Dan said as much last night.

“Yeah, but so are you,” he shoots back with his own grin.

Phil shrugs noncommittedly. “That’s true,” he agrees cheekily, biting his lip lightly as he takes the next ramp, eyeing Dan’s kart which is nearly on top of him.

They’re neck and neck as they take the next turn, both of them drifting and nearly ramming into each other in the process. The corner of the screen flickers first, second, first, second at Phil, who’s determined to win.

The finish line is barreling closer, and Phil is just about to jump off the couch in victory when a red shell comes out of nowhere and knocks him off course, shooting Dan into first place, and leaving Phil behind.

Unwilling to lose, Phil drops his controller, and launches himself at Dan before he can hear the victory sounds of Dan crossing the finish line first.

They both tumble to the floor, Dan’s controller clattering against the ground as Phil lands on top of him, arms braced on either side of his body.

The sounds of Mario Kart continue to blare from the TV screen, but neither man is really playing it any attention. Instead, Dan is staring up at Phil, frozen in shock as Phil licks his lips, so _so_ tempted to lean down and press his own to Dan’s.

He doesn’t.

Instead, he grins, cocky as ever.

“Nice view from up here,” he says.

“Cheater,” Dan responds, laughing lightheartedly, and shoving Phil away. Phil rolls off of him, settling down next to him with a laugh of his own. He can feel Dan’s heat next to him, can hear the sound of his breathing, even and soft, the way it’s always been. It calms him, reminds him of his own Dan, and he reaches out for Dan’s hand without thinking.

His fingers are more calloused than Phil is used to as they twine together, but Dan doesn’t shy away from the touch like he has from most everything else that morning, and he doesn’t shrug off the touch like his own Dan had been doing lately.

Phil turns his head.

“Dan?” he asks, waiting until his older boyfriend turns his head to acknowledge him. “Why do you feel so guilty about last night?” he continues, brows furrowed in legitimate confusion.

Phil’s Dan would have tensed, and pulled away, shrinking into himself with the desire _not_ to answer, but this Dan…this Dan sighs, and closes his eyes, squeezing his fingers around Phil’s.

“We shouldn’t have done that,” he replies. Phil doesn’t understand.

“But why?”

“Because you’re not my Phil, and I’m not your Dan,” Dan explains as if that’s the most obvious thing in the world. “Not that I don’t love you. There’s no way I couldn’t love any version of Phil, but – it feels like we did something wrong. Messed with the balance of the universe or something,” he admits, and Phil can’t help but roll his eyes, already rolling over to climb back over Dan, letting go of his hand in the process.

“Oh, is that it then?” he asks. Dan nods, and his eyes aren’t shy or nervous. He doesn’t try and shrink away from Phil, and it’s all just a further reminder that this isn’t his Dan. Phil can’t wait for his Dan to become this way; confident in himself and his sexuality. Confident in their relationship.

“Still on with the existential crisis’ I see, then,” he teases, leaning down to rub his nose alongside Dan’s, grinning when that earns him a snort. His Dan would have blushed, and giggled, pushing at Phil’s chest to get him away.

He misses his Dan.

“They never really stop,” Dan agrees, sighing as he rubs his own nose along Phil’s in response.

Phil hums. He’d never really expected them to stop. They were just a part of Dan, and Phil had always known he’d embrace that, do what he could to help Dan through them.

Looks like the future is no different.

“Haven’t you been wondering why we’re here? Together, out of time?” Phil asks, rolling off of Dan again, and settling at his side. His arm goes down to tangle his fingers with Dan’s again, because he’ll always want to hold Dan’s hand, no matter which Dan that is.

Dan snorts.

“Of course I have, you nub,” he replies, and at least that’s the same. Sassy as ever.

“Then haven’t you figured it out, yet? I doubt the universe is going to punish you for doing exactly what it wants you to do,” Phil teases, nudging at Dan’s side playfully until his future boyfriend turns to look at him again.

“I doubt the universe sent you here so we could fuck, Phil,” he replies, grinning that same cocky grin from last night that Phil still can’t get used to. He blinks, and then he snorts, rolling and letting go of Dan’s hand _again_ to instead press his face into his side.

“Yeah, because that’s exactly what I was suggesting, Dan,” he teases back, grinning up at him.

Dan shrugs his shoulders.

“Knowing you, it could have been.”

Phil can’t really disagree with that, but his grin soon fades as he remembers how different this Dan is from his Dan back home.

Dan, so unsure of himself, and lost in the world. Phil doesn’t always know what to do for his boyfriend, other than distract him with silly jokes and kisses, and more sex than either one of them probably really need. He sighs, looking up at this Dan, who’s grown into a powerful, sexy, confident young man despite the things that still plague his mind.

“No. I was talking about me not knowing how to help you, back in our time,” Phil admits quietly, twisting his fingers in Dan’s shirt where he’d placed his hand upon rolling over again. He watches his fingers, unsure how his counter-part had done it.

There are still nights where Phil is terrified he’s about to lose Dan forever. Something about the world terrifies Dan in ways that Phil doesn’t understand, and as they grow slowly more popular on YouTube, so do the number of hate comments they receive on a daily basis. It hurts Phil just as much as Dan to read the comments that beg them not to be gay, or that condemn them for being in a relationship, but unlike Dan, it doesn’t cause him to draw away.

It doesn’t cause him to hate himself a little bit for who he chooses to love, and it doesn’t cause him to fight with his boyfriend every other day. 

Phil tries to be understanding, he really does, but it’s difficult when his boyfriend draws away from him when Phil needs him the most.

He’d known this was going to happen anyway. He’d tried to shield Dan as much as he could, tried to hide their relationship as best he could, but it’s difficult when for the first half of their relationship, it had been completely online and long distance. Now that they’re together, it’s difficult to hide their chemistry, to hide their feelings for each other, because they’d already spent too much time having to restrain themselves online.

He just wishes Dan didn’t blame him for it all.

Phil’s brought out of his thoughts by Dan’s hand gripping softly his to chin, tilting it up so he can look at his eyes. Dan’s are so soft, understanding in a way that only _this_ Dan can be. Phil’s Dan only gets mad when he looks at him sadly.

“I know how hard it is,” Dan murmurs. “It was hard for me too. To be fair, I won’t see your suffering for years to come, but…I will, eventually. And I’ll always appreciate you more than you know.”

Phil nods his head slowly.

“Okay…but, how do we get here?” he asks, because he still doesn’t know. “I – I don’t know how to help you, Dan. I’m going off guesswork every single day. Sometimes, I just let you rant at me, get it all out, no matter how bad your words hurt, and other days we fight. Some days, I think I care about our relationship more than you do,” he admits quietly, though he knows this Dan already knows all of this. “If I can’t help you now, how will we ever make it this far?” he continues, gesturing to all that Dan is.

Dan smiles sadly at him, and Phil thinks he sees a flash of recognition in his warm brown eyes. The chuckle that follows surprises him, and he frowns.

“I think I’m starting to remember this now,” Dan murmurs, and he sighs as he turns a smile onto the ceiling. Phil sits up to glare down at him.

“Stop being a twit and help me. We’re not getting home if we don’t at least _try_ and figure out why we’re here, and I think this as good a guess as any. I’m near at the end of my rope here, Dan!” he hisses. “I don’t think you remember how bad it is back home for me. Half the time you won’t even touch me, and the other half of the time, you won’t let me go. It sucks. I’ll read all these comments, these messages, and they hurt me just as much they hurt you, and yet – you either give me the cold shoulder when we’re together, ignore the fact that it’s hurting me too, or you won’t answer you phone or skype calls when we’re apart, choosing to text me one-word answers instead. I need you too, you know, but it’s so fucking hard. I tried to keep you safe. I tried to prevent this from happening, but _I love you_ ,” he says, and by the end of it, he’s sniffling.

His eyes burn with unshed tears, and he knows this is the wrong Dan to be ranting about this too, but the same words have fallen on deaf ears one too many times back in his time.

Sure, he misses his Dan, but there’s something comforting about _this_ Dan. When he’d woken up in Dan’s bed the other morning – and Phil still isn’t actually sure how many days they’ve been here, wherever _here_ is – he’d been ecstatic. Dan’s arms had been warm around him, like he’d been cuddling Phil before they’d gone to sleep, and when he’d woken up, it had been with soft, sleepy eyes, and a warm smile.

Of course, it had taken this Dan about .03 seconds to realize that something was wrong, jumping away from Phil as if he’d been burned, but Phil had never been held like that by _his_ Dan. The affection had been something Phil had been craving for ages, and of course he’d been terrified at first that Dan had moved on, that Dan had fallen asleep with some girl, and Phil had swapped places with her, but Dan had immediately started asking where his Phil was, and Phil had relaxed.

Still together, then.

He hadn’t been able to help himself when he’d come on to Dan. He didn’t get to flirt with his own boyfriend near as much anymore, despite all that they’d done together, and this Dan had been so tempting; obviously a Dan from the future who loved Phil, and wasn’t afraid to be with him.

That’s something Phil can only dream of in his time.

Dan’s arms come around him in that same safe embrace Phil has been craving for what feels like months, and he relaxes into it as Dan cards hands that are quite a bit larger than they used to be through his hair. Phil sighs, for the first time not having to be the strong one.

“Sorry, I –“

“Don’t apologize,” Dan interrupts. His voice is soft against the top of Phil’s head, and he can feel his breath puffing gently against him. “I understand. I’m a shit head, and I’m not even at my worst yet,” he admits. Phil feel’s his heart drop, and struggles until Dan allows him to pull away.

“It gets worse?” he demands, wishing he could beg Dan to tell him that isn’t true. He can’t imagine how it _could_ get worse, other than them breaking up, and that’s so unfeasible that Phil doesn’t know what to do with himself.

And yet here Dan is, and he doesn’t regret fucking Phil, let alone for something as stupid as them not being together in his time. He wasn’t angry to find Phil in his bed the other morning, and he’s already promised Phil that everything’s going to be okay. They can’t have broken up, can they?

“How?”

Dan shakes his head.

“I can’t tell you that,” he says. Phil frowns, crossing his arms over his chest, because why the hell not? But Dan only frowns back before Phil can even open his mouth to demand exactly that.

“Don’t argue with me. You know it’s true. You aren’t here to hear the details. If anything, you’re here for reassurance, and we both know that,” Dan argues.

How Dan made that leap in logic, Phil’s not entirely sure.

“How do you know I’m not supposed to know the details?”

Dan rolls his eyes.

“Because I’m not stupid, Phil. If you knew the details, you’d try to stop them, and then I wouldn’t exist,” he explains. “Haven’t you watched _any_ movies about time-travel? Don’t answer that, I know you have. It was probably just last week in your time that we were discussing _the Butterfly Effect_ ,” he continued, rolling his eyes as he laughed.

Phil couldn’t help cracking a smile of his own, because it’s true, even if he does want to continue to be mad at Dan for refusing to tell him what happens. He knows Dan’s right though. If he knew the future, he would definitely try and change it.

“Then why am I even here,” he complains, the smile slipping back into a frown. He reaches up to ruffle at his hair, concerned and upset and so fucking _tired_. It had been such a relief to just spend some normal time with Dan the last few days, even if half of it had been sex driven. Phil couldn’t help it. Dan was just so _hot_ , always had been, and Phil had always been a flirt.

It was difficult to have his boyfriend denying him all the time in his own time.

It wouldn’t have mattered if it only been the sex. Phil could stop having sex if that’s what Dan needed, but it wasn’t. Dan didn’t even want the affection, the cuddles, the _love_ , because he felt wrong.

Dan’s hand came down on his shoulder, gaining his attention again, and he looked up, only to realize the tears had gathered again.

“I know you’re scared you’re going to lose your Dan, but that’s why you’re here, isn’t it? To see the future. To find out you won’t.” Dan’s smile was as kind as it ever was, soft and understanding in a way only future Dan could be. There was pain behind his eyes though, and that’s what frightened Phil, because maybe they were okay in this Dan’s time, but it was starting to sound more and more like it was going to take a long time.

“I don’t know if I can do this, Dan,” Phil murmurs, because he knows he can tell this Dan. “I don’t know how future me did. It hurts so much. You keep pushing me away.”

Dan doesn’t respond. The hand clutching Phil’s shoulder pulls him forward, instead, so that Phil is in his embrace once again. Phil doesn’t struggle to get away this time, he just enjoys it, because God knows when he gets back to his own time, he won’t be able too.

“Shh,” Dan finally whispers. His hand is ghosting up and down Phil’s back soothingly. “I’m not going to lie to you and say it’s not going to be difficult, but I know you Phil Lester, and you can do this. You love me,” he says, and Phil can only nod.

“Yeah. I really, really do.”

Dan presses his lips to Phil’s cheek, and Phil can feel his smile pressed there.

“I know. And I also know you’d go to the ends of the Earth to be with me. I’m from your future, remember? I’ve seen the things you do for me. I _know_ you. We’re going to be okay, Phil. Just…be you.”

The solution sounds so stupid when Dan puts it like that, because he’s literally not telling Phil anything. Phil doesn’t know how to be him when he’s in this weird time warp that’s allowing him to see half of his future. All he knows is that somehow, he helped Dan be okay with himself, and he want’s answers _so bad_ but all Dan will tell him is “be you.”

“That’s stupid advice, Dan, and you know it,” he grunts, annoyed. Dan laughs at him.

“Yeah, maybe it is, but that’s how we got here in the first place, isn’t it? Just remember that I love you too. I’m an idiot, I’m an asshole, and sometimes, I’ll be downright fucked up to you, but…just always try and remember that I love you.”

Phil nods, because there’s nothing else he really can do but trust this Dan and everything that he’s saying.

“Okay,” he agrees softly.

“And don’t give up on me,” Dan adds with a laugh. “Because I’m quite happy here in my time, and I honestly don’t want know what I’d do without you.”

Phil laughs, like, properly laughs, at that. He throws his head back, and the tears in his eyes finally overflow, because he doesn’t have any more control left in him. He laughs, and he pulls away from Dan to do so, choking on a low sob that comes out of its own free will. Dan is laughing too, his hands coming out to grip tight to Phil’s and squeeze them in reassurance, but he doesn’t try and hold Phil again, and he doesn’t try and calm him down.

He just lets Phil fall apart, while he holds the pieces in his hands.


End file.
